Pennywise doesn’t discriminate, he’ll fuck you up anyways. #EQUALITY 🌈Continue reading “Pennywise Is Not Anti-Gay; People Are Just Pro-Stupid.”
Finally, a sports story that has nothing to do with Lebron James or Tom Brady! Last week, “Bang Bros” (the popular Adult Entertainment company that we all know and love) submitted a $10 million bid for the naming rights of Miami Heat’s arena. Continue reading “BangBros Submits $10 Million Bid to Change Name of Miami Heat’s Arena”
Ironic but unsurprising, a new study out of the Science is Happening Institute of Technology shows that the overwhelming majority of Tik Tok users are unable to read a clock. Continue reading “92% of Tik Tok Users Can’t Read A Clock, Study Shows”
Hurricane season is in full effect and for many people, it’s a very scary time. Fortunately, Woken News is here to bring you the worst advice we can think of to keep your mind at ease in the coming weeks. Continue reading “5 Helpful Tips To Die Faster During Hurricane Season”
We laughed the first 400 fuckin’ times too!Continue reading “Item Doesn’t Scan At Cash Register – Customer Wins Comedy Award For Saying “It Must Be Free”.”
A new law may have owners of pets such as “Doug The Pug” and “Marnie The Dog” on edge. If law enforcement deems that you’re taking advantage of your pet by acquiring large brand deals and social clout, you may be at risk. Continue reading “Making A Social Media Account For Your Pets Is Now A Punishable Offense”
A very important question has been raised on the Internet in the last few days: Are mashed potatoes just irish guacamole? Let’s break it down. Continue reading “Food For Thought: Are Mashed Potatoes Just Irish Guacamole?”
Exposed: the meat’s not vegan; the cows are! Continue reading “What If Impossible Burgers Are Just Made With Vegan Cows And Not Vegan Meat?”
A couple months ago, a petition appeared on change.org that is lobbying to get Joe Rogan to moderate the 2020 Presidential Debate. A couple days ago, the petition really started to pick up steam. Forget Lester Holt. We want Joe! Continue reading “Someone Made a Petition to Get Joe Rogan to Moderate the 2020 Presidential Debates”
Kids wanted toys. Now they gettin’ lit.
Because ‘Fuck You’, that’s why.
Depression affects millions of people across the planet. But according to a new study, 100% of slugs actually suffer from the sads as well. Continue reading “Slugs Are Just Caterpillars With Depression, Study Shows”
The greatest adventure of them all!
A dyslexic man named Marc Arlington thought he would be joined by the force of 3.2 million people when he stormed Area 15 yesterday. He was disappointed when he arrived at a relatively empty government building in the desert and was quickly detained by a lone security guard. Continue reading “Dyslexic Man Storms Area 15 – No Charges Will Be Filed – Authorities “Feel Bad””
As many of us probably expected, Karen has already made her appearance at the heavily guarded Airforce base with a strongly worded complaint over her illegally obtained Alien.Continue reading “Florida mom Karen, dissatisfied with Alien, requests to speak with Area 51 manager”
For years, many people have questioned the validity of the moon landings that took place in the late 60s. But that’s old news. A new theory suggests that not only were the moon landings fake, but the moon itself is a total FRAUD. Continue reading “New Theory Suggests That The Moon Isn’t Real”
Out of all the possible people going this September, the one thing that seems to be on everyone’s mind is, “what that coochie feel like tho?”Continue reading “What’s the first thing you do with the alien you stole from Area 51 and why is it clappin them cheeks?”
Just ahead of September 20th there appears to be leaked images from Area 51 causing controversy.Continue reading “Area 51 photos leaked; BLACK MERMAIDS!”
Are you looking to hop on the next big food trend? First, it was avocado toast. Then, it was açaí bowls. Now? People all over the world are dabbling in the art of medium-rare chicken.￼ Continue reading “Medium Rare Chicken Is The New Trend In Healthy Eating, Study Shows”