Now that Duke’s season has come to an end after losing to Michigan State in the Elite Eight, Zion Williamson can begin backing up the Brinks truck. Continue reading “Zion Williamson To Receive First Eleventy-Billion Dollar Shoe Deal In NBA History”
Yes, you just read that. And yes, this is actually a real story. We generally write satire stories here at Woken News, but I truly couldn’t make this shit up. Continue reading “Lil Pump Will Be Giving The Commencement Speech At Harvard Graduation Ceremony”
Many people are talking about Maroon 5’s lackluster halftime performance last night. Mostly because the game bored everyone to tears and some shitty music is the only thing worthy of discussion. Continue reading “The NFL Re-Uploaded the Super Bowl Halftime Show to YouTube to Erase the Dislikes”
Every year, there are a few big storylines leading up to the biggest football game of the year. Continue reading “Super Bowl LIII: Tom Brady is Actually Sean McVay’s Father”
Millions will be tuning in tomorrow to watch Tom Brady try to win his 6th Super Bowl. But by far the most anticipated event this year will be Shaggy’s halftime performance. Continue reading “Shaggy Will Be Performing Spongebob’s ‘Sweet Victory’ At The Super Bowl Halftime Show”
Woken News started a petition to get Shaggy to be in the new Mortal Kombat 11 last weekend and the internet confirmed the shared love for Shaggy!
Continue reading “Shaggy Confirmed For Mortal Kombat 11 Thanks To Our Petition And New Leaks”
Have you ever wondered what NBA star James Harden has been hiding behind all that luscious facial hair? We may have found the answer. Continue reading “Small Civilization Found Living In James Harden’s Beard”
If you’re looking forward to next month’s Academy Awards show, you may be a little disappointed to hear that Oscars will be hosted by no one this year. Continue reading “The 2019 Oscars Will Be Hosted By… No One”
Is the floss dance more sinister than we once thought? New York City police officers believe so. Continue reading “The Floss Dance is Being Used as a Signal to Buy Drugs, Public Officials Say”
Ronda Rousey has accepted the role of Sonya Blade in the new Mortal Kombat 11 set to come out April 23rd of this year.
Continue reading “Ronda Rousey Is Playing The Voice Actress Of Sonya Blade In New Mortal Kombat 11”
If you’ve been living under a rock the last few days, let me fill you in: a picture of an egg is now the most liked picture ever posted on Instagram. The egg took the spot of Kylie Jenner who previously held the #1 spot with a picture of her baby. Continue reading “Travis Scott Leaves Kylie Jenner For Egg”
An unidentified elderly man in Tampa, Florida has reportedly been crashing children’s birthday parties and forcing their heads into their cakes whilst they blow out their candles.
Continue reading “A Florida Man Is Crashing Birthday Parties and Slamming Kids Faces Into Their Cakes, Police Say”
This past summer during a PGA golf tournament, the world was blessed with this guy: Continue reading “Guy Who Played With His Nipples On Live TV Gets His Own Public Access Show”
Available now on Android and iOS.
Continue reading “Vatican Released A Game Like Pokémon GO!… With Jesus!!! (Download Links)”
Shocking news came in this morning from Dana White, the president of the UFC. It’s finally happening- PewDiePie will finally be squaring off in the octagon against T-Series this weekend for the title of “Undisputed Champion of YouTube”. Continue reading “UFC 232 Has a New Main Event: PewDiePie vs T-Series”
If you are anyone in Hollywood or burnt alot of bridges with a dozen super heroes, AND you have a Twitter account, then your best bet is to permanently snap your past to dust or it is going to be found.
Continue reading “Thanos forced to undo snap that wiped out half of the Universe after homophobic tweets resurface online”
Rule 1 of attending sporting events: Don’t f*ck with mascots. Continue reading “Chicago Blackhawks Mascot Bodyslams Fan”
“Face tattoos are some b*tch sh*t!” says up-and-coming Soundcloud rapper Lil Brinx Truck.
Continue reading “SoundCloud Rapper Says Face Tattoos Are Out and Silly Bandz Are In”
Last week, comedian Kevin Hart stepped down from hosting this year’s Academy Awards after a couple homophobic tweets resurfaced from 2011. Today, comedian Tom Segura went to Twitter to explain his plans if asked to host the Oscars. Continue reading “Comedian Tom Segura Vows to Save The Oscars”
NFL insider Adam Schefter dropped a bomb on us this weekend reporting that the Cincinnati Bengals are hiring a brick wall as an assistant coach. Yes, an actual brick wall.
Continue reading “Sources: The Bengals Hire A Brick Wall As Their Newest Assistant Coach”
