A creationist by the name of Bobby Johnstone out of Florida claims the only proof we need that God created Earth and all the animals is the fact that T-Rex arms are so short which inhibit the ability to masturbate. Continue reading “Creationist Claims That God Made T-Rex Arms Short So They Couldn’t Masturbate”
Did you fall for it? Because I definitely did. Continue reading “Warner Bros Trolled The Entire Internet With Pokémon Detective Pikachu “Full Release” on YouTube”
As we all know by now, Ant-Man didn’t actually crawl up Thanos’ ass and expand in order to kill him in the last installment of Avengers. Or did he? Continue reading “Ant-Man Recovering From A Severe Case Of Pink-Eye After Failed Attempt To Crawl Up Thanos’ Ass”
Did you avoid watching Game of Thrones this past Sunday because you thought it would make you cooler to hate on it? Well think again. A new study has proved that hating on things isn’t a personality trait and actually doesn’t make you any more interesting or cool. Continue reading “Hating Game Of Thrones Doesn’t Make You An Interesting Person, Study Suggests”
“You’re” mom might actually be gay after these new reports surfaced. According to the website Reading Republican, homosexuals have been utilizing the power of windmills to spray gay mist all across the United States and into the homes of millions of Americans. Continue reading “Gays Are Utilizing The Power Of Windmills To Waft Homosexual Mist Into Homes”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s our Lord and Savior Elon Musk in a grilled cheese sandwich! Continue reading “Alabama Mother Finds Elon Musk In Grilled Cheese Sandwich”
Swedish video creator PewDiePie and Indian YouTube giant T-series have been battling it out for the #1 most subscribed YouTube account for the past several months. Last week, T-series passed PewDiePie by roughly 15,000 subscribers. PewDiePie’s response? Absolutely brilliant. Continue reading “PewDiePie Congratulates T-Series In The Best Way Possible: A Viral Music Video”
“Oh fuck yeah spread it.”
Continue reading “Meme Community Asked WokenNews.com To Help Make This Meme Happen.”
Avid vaper Chad Genski made history yesterday as he created a small storm in his hometown of Springfield by blowing fat vape clouds. Continue reading “Avid Vaper Creates Small Thunderstorm by Blowing Fat Clouds”
The first question that came to mind when the Flat Earthers claimed “Australia doesn’t exist” was “what do Aussies think about this?” Well believe it or not, some Australians are beginning to buy in to the theory. Continue reading “Australians Are Starting To Believe That Australia Doesn’t Exist”
Tell him “Congratulations Carl.”
Continue reading “Carl’s Loving The Fame; Becomes Ultimate Chad.”
Everyone has been wondering what new features will be added to the next Tesla. We now have the answer: the new Tesla will not move out of the way of oncoming deer. Continue reading “The New Tesla Will Not Move Out Of The Way Of Oncoming Deer”
The statistics have come out: one of the most dangerous things you can do is talk to a white woman before she’s had her morning cup o’ joe. It’s even more dangerous than driving without a seatbelt or swimming with sharks. Continue reading “Talking to White Women Before They’ve Had Their Morning Coffee Was the Leading Cause of Homicide Last Year”
Do you ever feel like Siri just isn’t enough? Well throw your worries away because Apple just announced a new Siri – you will now be able to talk to your best buddy from the FBI whenever you want! Continue reading “New iPhone Update Will Have a Siri-like FBI Feature So You Can Talk to the FBI Anytime”
Do you think vaccines are poison and also like the idea of being one of the first people to explore planet Mars? Well boy do I have an opportunity for you!
Continue reading “NASA Is Offering A Free One-Way Flight To Mars For All Anti-Vaxxers”
Any press is good press, right? At least that’s what Apple thought when they started the AirPods™ meme. Continue reading “The AirPods™ Meme Was An Inside Job”
Millions will be tuning in tomorrow to watch Tom Brady try to win his 6th Super Bowl. But by far the most anticipated event this year will be Shaggy’s halftime performance. Continue reading “Shaggy Will Be Performing Spongebob’s ‘Sweet Victory’ At The Super Bowl Halftime Show”
Woken News started a petition to get Shaggy to be in the new Mortal Kombat 11 last weekend and the internet confirmed the shared love for Shaggy!
Continue reading “Shaggy Confirmed For Mortal Kombat 11 Thanks To Our Petition And New Leaks”
Fun fact for your Monday: did you know that in Europe, “Bigfoot” is referred to as “Bigmeter”? You learn something new every day!
