How does it feel to be wiping your ass with corruption?
Continue reading “Coronavirus Was Invented By Toilet Paper Companies To Get You To Buy More.”Coronavirus Was Invented By Toilet Paper Companies To Get You To Buy More.
Millennials are planning trips to China in an attempt to contract the Coronavirus
The Coronavirus outbreak has taken a turn for the worse in the last week as the World Health Organization declared the virus a “Global Health Emergency”. However, Millennials all over the world are looking at it as a great opportunity. Continue reading “Millennials are planning trips to China in an attempt to contract the Coronavirus”
Papa John Says He Will Attempt to Eat 41 Pizzas in December
As if 40 pizzas in 30 days wasn’t incredible enough. The Papa himself has vowed to try and beat his Guinness World Record (probably) of 40 pizzas in 30 days by eating 41 pizzas next month. Wow! Continue reading “Papa John Says He Will Attempt to Eat 41 Pizzas in December”
Air is Poisonous to Humans; It Just Takes a Long Time to Kill Us, Report Says
Thanks to Woken News, we all now know that breathing air is linked to staying alive. But new reports suggest that air might be the human equivalent to Superman’s kryptonite. Continue reading “Air is Poisonous to Humans; It Just Takes a Long Time to Kill Us, Report Says”
5 Helpful Tips To Die Faster During Hurricane Season
Hurricane season is in full effect and for many people, it’s a very scary time. Fortunately, Woken News is here to bring you the worst advice we can think of to keep your mind at ease in the coming weeks. Continue reading “5 Helpful Tips To Die Faster During Hurricane Season”
Food For Thought: Are Mashed Potatoes Just Irish Guacamole?
A very important question has been raised on the Internet in the last few days: Are mashed potatoes just irish guacamole? Let’s break it down. Continue reading “Food For Thought: Are Mashed Potatoes Just Irish Guacamole?”
What If Impossible Burgers Are Just Made With Vegan Cows And Not Vegan Meat?
Exposed: the meat’s not vegan; the cows are! Continue reading “What If Impossible Burgers Are Just Made With Vegan Cows And Not Vegan Meat?”
Slugs Are Just Caterpillars With Depression, Study Shows
Depression affects millions of people across the planet. But according to a new study, 100% of slugs actually suffer from the sads as well. Continue reading “Slugs Are Just Caterpillars With Depression, Study Shows”
Medium Rare Chicken Is The New Trend In Healthy Eating, Study Shows
Are you looking to hop on the next big food trend? First, it was avocado toast. Then, it was açaí bowls. Now? People all over the world are dabbling in the art of medium-rare chicken. Continue reading “Medium Rare Chicken Is The New Trend In Healthy Eating, Study Shows”
Countries Are Closer Than We Think And You Can Walk To a Different Country In a Few Hours, Theory Suggests
Forget paying for air travel: A new theory argues that you can simply get off your ass and walk to pretty much any country you want in just a few hours. Continue reading “Countries Are Closer Than We Think And You Can Walk To a Different Country In a Few Hours, Theory Suggests”
Study Says Apples Are Actually Better Than Oranges
For years, people have been saying “it’s like comparing apples to oranges” to prove the point that it’s impossible to compare two things that are completely unrelated. However, one study has done the impossible and found that apples truly are better than oranges. Continue reading “Study Says Apples Are Actually Better Than Oranges”
Man Dies From Embarrassment After Replying “You Too” To Waiter Whomst Told Him To “Enjoy His Food”
We’ve all experienced the embarrassment resulting from an awkward interaction with a food service worker. However, Jimmy McMicken became fatally embarrassed last week after a big oopsie when he replied with “You Too” to a waiter that kindly told him to “Enjoy His Food”. Continue reading “Man Dies From Embarrassment After Replying “You Too” To Waiter Whomst Told Him To “Enjoy His Food””
You Don’t Really Wash Your Hands – They Wash Each Other While You Stand There Looking At Them Like A Creep
Just think about it: is it possible that our hands have a mind of their own in the act of being washed? And are you just a creepy bystander in the background watching the whole thing happen? Continue reading “You Don’t Really Wash Your Hands – They Wash Each Other While You Stand There Looking At Them Like A Creep”
Millions of fleshlights will beach themselves each year because of ocean pollution, study suggests.
Something smells fishy.. it’s pollution.
New study shows drivers of lifted trucks have larger-than-average-sized genitalia
It’s not Extenze. It’s not Viagra. It’s a giant, ridiculous-looking truck that truly makes a difference in the size of your man’s love rod. Continue reading “New study shows drivers of lifted trucks have larger-than-average-sized genitalia”
New Study Shows That Virgins Have Less Sex Than Parents
A recent study out of Kansas City shows that even parents are having more sex than virgins. I know – very hard to believe. Continue reading “New Study Shows That Virgins Have Less Sex Than Parents”
Doctors Are Prescribing Instagram to Millennials That Say They’re Feeling too Happy
Do you ever look at Instagram and think “these people have the most perfect lives and I’m a total piece of shit”? Well, doctors are now using that feeling as a new drug for millennials that say they are feeling “too happy”. Continue reading “Doctors Are Prescribing Instagram to Millennials That Say They’re Feeling too Happy”
Pee Is Now Most Powerful Liquid For Removing Shit Stains From Toilet Bowls.
Yeah Science, Bitch! 👊🚽🔬
Continue reading “Pee Is Now Most Powerful Liquid For Removing Shit Stains From Toilet Bowls.”
New Study Shows That Breathing Air Is Linked To Staying Alive
A biologist in Toronto has made a huge medical breakthrough this week by discovering that there is a strong correlation between breathing air and staying alive. Continue reading “New Study Shows That Breathing Air Is Linked To Staying Alive”