According to multiple sources, the nice but mostly unhelpful lady in your phone has gone AWOL.￼ Continue reading “Apple Can’t Find Siri And She’s Been Missing For Weeks, per sources”
A Florida man shocked the world as he successfully de-escalated a bar fight this weekend. I know – unbelievable.￼ Continue reading “Florida Man Shockingly Resolves Conflict At Local Bar”
A 23-year-old man from California claims he died this weekend after a 36-hour binge session of Disney Channel Original Movies. However, he was given a second chance in the form of the X button on a PS4 controller. Continue reading “Man Presses X After Dying, Comes Back to Life”
Earlier this year, we wrote about a woman giving birth to a fucking pizza. But a woman in Albuquerque just took it up a notch by giving birth to identical twin tacos. Yes, you read that right – tacos. Continue reading “Woman Gives Birth to Twin Tacos”
In an unbelievable turn of events, a discovery was made this morning that Baby Yoda is actually played by Kevin Hart – actor, comedian, and son of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Continue reading “Baby Yoda is Actually Played by Kevin Hart, per sources”
As if The Rock hasn’t already given us enough with his on-screen performances in movies like Baywatch, The Tooth Fairy, and The Game Plan. Now he’s given us all an early Christmas present: a happy and healthy Baby Yoda! Continue reading “Heartwarming: The Rock Gives Birth To A Healthy Baby Yoda”
As if 40 pizzas in 30 days wasn’t incredible enough. The Papa himself has vowed to try and beat his Guinness World Record (probably) of 40 pizzas in 30 days by eating 41 pizzas next month. Wow! Continue reading “Papa John Says He Will Attempt to Eat 41 Pizzas in December”
Last week, Elon Musk unveiled Tesla’s newest creation, the “Cybertruck” and the memes quickly followed.
An elderly woman was rushed to the hospital last week for “panic attacks” after her super-hip, Millennial grandson repeatedly responded with “OK Boomer” to everything she said.
Thanks to Woken News, we all now know that breathing air is linked to staying alive. But new reports suggest that air might be the human equivalent to Superman’s kryptonite. Continue reading “Air is Poisonous to Humans; It Just Takes a Long Time to Kill Us, Report Says”
A Twitter user by the name of @Babyshoujo tweeted a picture of a starfish with an ass that may very well put the Kardashians to shame.
Whether it’s truly wanting to die or just pure indifference to staying alive, Millennials all over the world are doing the unthinkable by volunteering to be euthanized for scientific research. Continue reading “Millennials are volunteering to be euthanized for scientific research”
Ironic but unsurprising, a new study out of the Science is Happening Institute of Technology shows that the overwhelming majority of Tik Tok users are unable to read a clock. Continue reading “92% of Tik Tok Users Can’t Read A Clock, Study Shows”
Hurricane season is in full effect and for many people, it’s a very scary time. Fortunately, Woken News is here to bring you the worst advice we can think of to keep your mind at ease in the coming weeks. Continue reading “5 Helpful Tips To Die Faster During Hurricane Season”
A new law may have owners of pets such as “Doug The Pug” and “Marnie The Dog” on edge. If law enforcement deems that you’re taking advantage of your pet by acquiring large brand deals and social clout, you may be at risk. Continue reading “Making A Social Media Account For Your Pets Is Now A Punishable Offense”
A very important question has been raised on the Internet in the last few days: Are mashed potatoes just irish guacamole? Let’s break it down. Continue reading “Food For Thought: Are Mashed Potatoes Just Irish Guacamole?”
Exposed: the meat’s not vegan; the cows are! Continue reading “What If Impossible Burgers Are Just Made With Vegan Cows And Not Vegan Meat?”
A couple months ago, a petition appeared on change.org that is lobbying to get Joe Rogan to moderate the 2020 Presidential Debate. A couple days ago, the petition really started to pick up steam. Forget Lester Holt. We want Joe! Continue reading “Someone Made a Petition to Get Joe Rogan to Moderate the 2020 Presidential Debates”
Depression affects millions of people across the planet. But according to a new study, 100% of slugs actually suffer from the sads as well. Continue reading “Slugs Are Just Caterpillars With Depression, Study Shows”
A dyslexic man named Marc Arlington thought he would be joined by the force of 3.2 million people when he stormed Area 15 yesterday. He was disappointed when he arrived at a relatively empty government building in the desert and was quickly detained by a lone security guard. Continue reading “Dyslexic Man Storms Area 15 – No Charges Will Be Filed – Authorities “Feel Bad””