5 Helpful Tips To Die Faster During Hurricane Season

Hurricane season is in full effect and for many people, it’s a very scary time. Fortunately, Woken News is here to bring you the worst advice we can think of to keep your mind at ease in the coming weeks.

Tip #1: Super glue your doors shut

According to several un-verified sources, super glue is strong enough to keep your door sealed shut even in strong winds produced by a hurricane. You don’t want water getting in your house? Easy! Buy a small tube of super glue at the dollar store. Don’t use too much. Just a dab will do.

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Tip #2: Turn your car into a boat

After reading all the tips online, I found it amazing that no one suggested this. If you’re in a flood, your car isn’t going to help you one bit. Just take those wheels off and look at that! You got yourself a brand new boat. That’ll be a lot more useful than a car in these trying times.

Tip #3: Borrow necessities from your local Walmart

Some people might consider this “stealing”, but it’s not stealing if you return it when you’re done with it. It’s called “borrowing”. Just grab what you need and walk out of the store. They’ll understand.

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Tip #4: Drink lots of Red Bull

Red Bull gives you wings.

(Disclaimer: this article is not sponsored by Red Bull.)

Tip #5: Move to a place like Kansas where hurricanes don’t happen

Hurricanes mostly affect people surrounded by the ocean. If you move to a landlocked state like Kansas or Iowa, you won’t ever have to worry about big storms. And we all know tornadoes are just a big conspiracy made up by the government. This is just common sense.

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So there you have it. If these tips prove to be helpful, please let us know so we can bring you more articles like this.

*Woken News is a satirical news website and our articles are strictly for entertainment purposes. Explore our “About” page for more information.


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