House Cats Are Small Robots That Collect Data On Humans

It’s been a mystery for ages – why do cats behave the way they do? New theories have surfaced that may explain their standoffish behavior: cats may be little spies that are collecting data on their human owners.

This theory has a lot of similarities to the commonly believed theory that our phones are constantly listening to us. People have noticed that their Instagram and Facebook ads are for products they have been talking about recently. But what if the listening device isn’t your phone at all? What if it’s the sketchy house cat that always seems to be watching over you from their cat tower?

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Nathan Matilda, 35 year old cat owner from Springfield, recently conducted his own experiment and was astounded by the results.

“I turned my phone off and started yelling popular store names and products at my cat. I yelled ‘TARGET, WALMART, FLESHLIGHT!!!’ My cat quickly ran to another room. I turned my phone back on and what do you think I saw? An ad for 50% off flashlights. I bought 3 of course because you can’t pass up that kind of deal, but c’mon man. Cats are an inside job!” Nathan Matilda, cat owner and fleshlight enthusiast

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Just think about it: why are cats constantly staring at us from afar? Is it in their genes or is it the way they were programmed? And who is behind it? The government, marketing companies, or someone else.

Tread lightly around your feline friends…

Woken News is a satirical news website and our articles are strictly for entertainment purposes. Explore our “About” page for more information.

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