The bubble closed in on 28-year-old gamer Jimmy Gelky for the final time. It’s a sad story, but an important warning for avid fans of Fortnite.
Last Wednesday, Jimmy decided to lock himself in his parent’s basement with a seemingly unlimited supply of flaming hot Cheetos and Monster energy drinks for a 72-hour marathon of Fortnite. He told his parents and friends not to bother him as he was trying to break his personal record.
In the 72nd hour, it happened: Jimmy died and immediately shit himself, finally proving South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s theory true that everyone shits themselves when they die.
An investigative team arrived at the scene shortly after the unfortunate event. They concluded that no foul play was suspected.
One investigator theorized that the mixture of flaming hot Cheetos, Monster energy drinks, Fortnite, and obvious virginity created a chemical reaction in the young man’s body which led to his untimely death.
The Reno County Coroner’s Office released a short, but very important statement on the matter:
“One thing is for sure. He most likely farded. And then he definitely shidded.”