In a shocking new study published in the Journal of Actual Real Science this week, it seems the doorbell industry is facing total collapse at the hands of the worst generation in history.
Continue reading “Millenials are killing the Doorbell Industry by texting ‘here’”
Florida has a new sheriff in town and he’s pissed off at his mom. Hide your drywall, hide your Monsters because Kyle is causing property damage all across Florida state.
Continue reading “Florida teen, Kyle, arrested for stealing Monster Energy drinks and punching holes in drywall at a Home Depot”“Top 60 Satire Websites and Blogs on the Web” – Ranking by Feedpost.com
Have rocks been lying to us all this time? A geologist in North Dakota claims that rocks are actually incredibly soft and squishy and tense up only when humans touch them.
Continue reading “Rocks Are Actually Soft and Squishy – They Just Tense Up When We Touch Them”
A new theory has emerged that suggests birds are not real and the power lines they perch on are charging stations.
Continue reading “Birds Are Drones And The Power Lines Are Actually Charging Stations”
Doggo’s love their bones! But could we be confusing the lickos and tongue blips we know and love as their kisses for our bones potential at a heckin’ good taste?
Continue reading “Dogs Lick Us Because We Have Bones Inside And They Want Them, Scientists Say”
Imagine you’re next in line for lunch after having been called gay for wearing your favorite fedora.
Continue reading “69% of high schoolers say they feel soothed when lunch ladies call them ‘suga’ or ‘baby’. Nice.”
Whether it’s truly wanting to die or just pure indifference to staying alive, Millennials all over the world are doing the unthinkable by volunteering to be euthanized for scientific research. Continue reading “Millennials are volunteering to be euthanized for scientific research”
They’ve finally done it!
Continue reading “Engineers Have Finally Developed A Dildo Big Enough To Satisfy Your Mom.”
It’s truly a remarkable feat that many doctors and scientists are calling a miracle. Elderly people with Alzheimer’s are becoming super-humans right before our very eyes. Continue reading “People with Alzheimer’s are starting to float because they forgot about gravity”
The long awaited day that millions of us lied about going to is finally here and it’s only about to get bigger.
Continue reading “Florida teen Kyle starts massive mosh pit with the first thousand people outside Area 51”
Pennywise doesn’t discriminate, he’ll fuck you up anyways. #EQUALITY 🌈
Continue reading “Pennywise Is Not Anti-Gay; People Are Just Pro-Stupid.”
Finally, a sports story that has nothing to do with Lebron James or Tom Brady! Last week, “Bang Bros” (the popular Adult Entertainment company that we all know and love) submitted a $10 million bid for the naming rights of Miami Heat’s arena. Continue reading “BangBros Submits $10 Million Bid to Change Name of Miami Heat’s Arena”
Ironic but unsurprising, a new study out of the Science is Happening Institute of Technology shows that the overwhelming majority of Tik Tok users are unable to read a clock. Continue reading “92% of Tik Tok Users Can’t Read A Clock, Study Shows”
Hurricane season is in full effect and for many people, it’s a very scary time. Fortunately, Woken News is here to bring you the worst advice we can think of to keep your mind at ease in the coming weeks. Continue reading “5 Helpful Tips To Die Faster During Hurricane Season”
We laughed the first 400 fuckin’ times too!
Continue reading “Item Doesn’t Scan At Cash Register – Customer Wins Comedy Award For Saying “It Must Be Free”.”
A new law may have owners of pets such as “Doug The Pug” and “Marnie The Dog” on edge. If law enforcement deems that you’re taking advantage of your pet by acquiring large brand deals and social clout, you may be at risk. Continue reading “Making A Social Media Account For Your Pets Is Now A Punishable Offense”
A very important question has been raised on the Internet in the last few days: Are mashed potatoes just irish guacamole? Let’s break it down. Continue reading “Food For Thought: Are Mashed Potatoes Just Irish Guacamole?”
Exposed: the meat’s not vegan; the cows are! Continue reading “What If Impossible Burgers Are Just Made With Vegan Cows And Not Vegan Meat?”
A couple months ago, a petition appeared on change.org that is lobbying to get Joe Rogan to moderate the 2020 Presidential Debate. A couple days ago, the petition really started to pick up steam. Forget Lester Holt. We want Joe! Continue reading “Someone Made a Petition to Get Joe Rogan to Moderate the 2020 Presidential Debates”
Kids wanted toys. Now they gettin’ lit.
Continue reading “McDonald’s Employee Fired For Placing His Mixtapes In Children’s Happy Meals”
Because ‘Fuck You’, that’s why.
Continue reading “Boomers Are Roleplaying As Millennials Inside The Bedroom”
Depression affects millions of people across the planet. But according to a new study, 100% of slugs actually suffer from the sads as well. Continue reading “Slugs Are Just Caterpillars With Depression, Study Shows”
The greatest adventure of them all!
Continue reading “Man FINALLY Discovers The Location Of G-Spot.”
