In a shocking new study published in the Journal of Actual Real Science this week, it seems the doorbell industry is facing total collapse at the hands of the worst generation in history. Woken Contributor: Maddy D. Read More: Beethoven Was Not Deaf, He Had In Airpods™ And Everyone Around Him Was Broke, New Theory Suggest... Continue Reading →
Have rocks been lying to us all this time? A geologist in North Dakota claims that rocks are actually incredibly soft and squishy and tense up only when humans touch them. Geologist Gina Worthing has been studying rocks for years. When researching the hardness of rocks, she noticed something very peculiar. Read More: Millenials are... Continue Reading →
A new theory has emerged that suggests birds are not real and the power lines they perch on are charging stations. Read: Rocks Are Actually Soft and Squishy – They Just Tense Up When We Touch Them Also: Steve Irwin gets reimagined as a Pokémon trainer and I’m literally crying Oh and this: New Study... Continue Reading →
Doggo's love their bones! But could we be confusing the lickos and tongue blips we know and love as their kisses for our bones potential at a heckin' good taste? Cynologist Karen Wilburn is an expert doge psychologist who seems to believe that our best friends have a more sinister agenda when they bath us... Continue Reading →
Contrary to popular belief, the covid vaccine will have the new U2 album inserted into your body instead of an all knowing location tracking microchip. Many are arguing that they would rather have a microchip capable of knowing your mood, eating habits and location as opposed to an invasive U2 album. In 2014 U2 released... Continue Reading →
A biologist-turned-entrepreneur Jackson Fitzpatrick has turned the straw industry on its head with his new invention: straws made from turtles. Fitzpatrick said he thought of the idea after struggling to drink a Frappuccino with a paper straw from Starbucks. “The straw fell apart after two sips and was completely useless. It was a horrible experience.... Continue Reading →
It’s 2022 and being politically correct is more important for businesses than it ever has been. That’s why popular US food chain “Cracker Barrel” is considering changing it’s name to a more appropriate “Caucasian Barrel”. “The term ‘cracker’ may be seen as a racial slur among some people, so we figure it’s the least we... Continue Reading →
A man from Nevada is suing the state after a run-in with local police last week. He was pulled over for driving by himself in the carpool lane.He claims that since he deals with multiple personality disorder, he should be allowed to drive in the carpool lane with no issues. “Sometimes, I’m a 46 year... Continue Reading →
It's comes as no surprise that Keanu would be testing positive for being just an absolute perfect human being. Keanu has proven he is a worthy antidote for our lives during these uncertain times. *Woken News is a satirical news website and our articles are strictly for entertainment purposes. Explore our “About” page for more... Continue Reading →
An elderly woman in Nepals, FL. stopped an attempted robbery when she offered the man her famous Rosemary Lamb Shanks. As if it couldn't be anymore wholesome, a would-be robbery turned into a delightful evening for two after the masked man was invited to eat the dinner his victim had just prepared. Read More: Rocks Are... Continue Reading →
A Florida man shocked the world as he successfully de-escalated a bar fight this weekend. I know - unbelievable. It was 8:30 PM on Saturday when Florida man Charlie Hopskin walked into a Gainesville, Florida bar to meet two of his friends. Shortly after arriving, Charlie’s friends got into a heated argument about who was... Continue Reading →
A 23-year-old man from California claims he died this weekend after a 36-hour binge session of Disney Channel Original Movies. However, he was given a second chance in the form of the X button on a PS4 controller. "It was really dark and quiet when I died. It felt like sleeping after smoking a bunch... Continue Reading →
In an unbelievable turn of events, a discovery was made this morning that Baby Yoda is actually played by Kevin Hart - actor, comedian, and son of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Recently, #FakeBabyYodaFacts hit Twitter. We now have reason to believe these fake facts were sent from Kevin Hart’s burner accounts to throw everyone off... Continue Reading →
As if The Rock hasn’t already given us enough with his on-screen performances in movies like Baywatch, The Tooth Fairy, and The Game Plan. Now he’s given us all an early Christmas present: a happy and healthy Baby Yoda! On December 2nd at 2 PM, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson gave birth to 7 pound 6... Continue Reading →
